Somthing I wrote

[Ultimafanatic]

Comments please

Prologue
The Arcadia Landing

The sense of claustrophobia and confusion was hellish, someone had slipped up in ops, and Paul wall was going to kick their ass when he got back to the Ultima, if he got back to the Ultima. He and a number of other colonial marines were kneeling in cover behind a formation of large dusty orange rocks. Dropship’s franticly flew overhead, desperately trying to get the marines who had yet to disembark out of the canyon. Knowing that death awaited them if they stayed. Arcadian pike fighters hounded them all the way, the scream of their engines echoing all around the canyon. The screen of orange dust challenged the treat detector in Paul’s helmet. He leaned out from rocks and took a pot shot at an Arcadian storm trooper advancing toward him. The laser from Paul’s rifle flew straight and hit the Crimson warrior square in the head; he hit the floor before Paul could fire his rifle again, Paul would’ve fired several more times. The trouble was the battery had worn down in the battle. So Paul clipped the rifle into a number of jacks on his back, his HUD changed to show that the rifle was charging, showing the status of the weapon.
Paul ran forward full pelt, through the hail of laser fire, some hit his suit, but he didn’t feel much, the soldier rolled, picked up a dead marine’s carbine and unloaded it into a collection of storm troopers, dropping them instantly, he’d saved his ass for at least another minute. At least that’s what he thought until he saw a flaming craft plummeting from the heavens. It was a dropship, its engines covered in a violent inferno, and it was heading straight for Paul. It hit the ground and made a hellish grinding sound, kicking dust into the air. Everything slowed to a snails pace, and the crash didn’t seem to affect Paul at all, there was no pain, everything went grey, then black.

[Kanenite]

Seems awfully similar to Halo, tho'.

[V e l o c i t y]

That is pretty awesome very descripttive, something I would really wana read. Not to sure on the name Paul but hey, that's just me.

[Cerpin Taxt]

I think you use the word "Paul" too much, you could just use "he" at times.

Not bad though, similar to Halo as said.

[Tyler Durden]

Good old Paul, he was in Underground uprising wasnt he? Or is my memory just bad.

[Ultimafanatic]

No...no he wasn't. I did pick up on the repetition of Paul actually. And in the first part, don't ask about Paul wall...thats a bad ass typo. More soon. The story cuts to two years earlier after that.

When we return to that part later, Paul will have taken on the title "The Avatar". It may seem somwhat similar to Halo, but it'll differ in a number of ways. Paul is a bit of a c*ck in the story, thats what I plan.

[~Tr1st@Inactive.]

Does he love men? >.<

[Ultimafanatic]

Ok, first chapter, four years earlier (I wish to note that technology wise, Pauls rifle in the prolougue is the only laser based weapon in the story)

Chapter 1
Hunting For A Purpose

San Francisco, Earth, Four Years Earlier- The road, black and wet, glowed from the lights of the streetlamps above. Paul pushed his bike to go faster, he could hear the engine protesting, but he knew it would take it. Endless rain distorted his vision, and the black of the night didn’t help either. What Paul had just done was going to be met with severe retaliation from the Jacks, but what did he care. He took a hard left and followed the deserted road, lined by black buildings, into the industrial sector. He heard the whine of a bike and turned his head. After burning their hideout down after receiving his payment for the robbery, Paul hadn’t expected the Jacks to react so quickly, he had three bulky motorbikes on his tail, and he didn’t like it one bit.
He spun his bike around, brought one hand off the handlebars and took out his pistol. He unloaded two bullets into one of the bikes, not a scratch, the bike kept on coming, maybe faster than before. One of the bikers took a fold out staff from his pocket, flicked out both ends and tried to smash Paul from his ride. Paul strafed out of the way and shot the staff from the riders hand, it landed on the road, and another bike snapped it in half. A flash of lightening was Paul’s cue to turn round again. This time he misjudged the turn and crashed through the window of a nearby shop, alarms sounded but Paul simply drove his bike from the display and started to fire at his attackers again. Then he heard a click that made his heart skip a beat, he had to reload. He pressed a button on the grip of his 45 and the clip fell to the floor, he took his other hand off the bars, took a clip from his pocket and slammed it into the receiver. He shot one of the bikers from their ride, blood smeared the wet asphalt and the bike slowed to a stop ten seconds later. Paul locked the accelerator in place, threw himself into the air, performing a forward dive, he singled out another bike and shot the fuel tank. A hazy orange fireball illuminated the street for a brief second, Paul landed nearly flawlessly back on his bike, unlocked the accelerator and turned the bike around again, the third biker couldn’t stop in time he hit the flaming debris and was flung from his bike, his body hit the ground and awkwardly slid about a metre. Satisfied there was no more danger, Paul headed home.

[Tyler Durden]

Well you do use very unmemorable names, like John, Robert etc. Did you get Avatar from Fable?

[Ultimafanatic]

Nah, had it in my head before you even bought the name

[Kanenite]

As tyler said, maybe replace Paul with a different name... Like Cain or something.

[Ultimafanatic]

Ok, new dark brooding passage for you.

Oh, and thanks to Kane, I changed Paul...to Cain

On the outskirts of the industrial sector lay a hollowed out shell of an apartment block, no one had ever bothered to tear it down, San Francisco didn’t even acknowledge its existence, this building was Cain’s domain, away from the materialistic world, and away from the futility of everyday life. Cain lived at night, and slept the day through. He had no knowledge of his purpose in Gods grand scheme, nor did he think he would ever know of it, Cain lived in the moment, and thought only of the present, and himself, no one else mattered. Some would call Cain a dropout, aged twenty-three, living in an apartment block with no windows and yellow running water. Cain called it life, to him, life was rabbit run being built further every second, Cain had simply learnt to run faster than they could build.
Cain slowed his bike to a stop in the grimy lobby, and walked up the stairs to the top floor. There were no walls left on this floor, only support beams and a panoramic view of the sprawling metropolis. He sat on the edge and gazed out, into the storm, at precisely eleven every buildings lights turned off. Leaving only the city administration building illuminated amongst a spider’s web of streetlights. A pillar of light, and a pillar of hope. The night was still young, and Cain wanted to finish what he’d started. He pushed his long black hair out of his face, and felt his stubble. “Up here again man?” Came a familiar voice from behind, it was Retina, who’d been what Cain could call a friend for two years now. He got the nickname from a hereditary eye defect; his eyes were red, forcing him to wear shades. Cain trusted him, he was good to have around, even if he wasn’t as committed to Cain’s lifestyle. “Yeah, I guess I am.” Replied Cain gruffly. “I got the details, we’re getting the explosives tonight.”
“Tonight?” Enquired Retina, surprised.
“Yeah, we’re going to Herrington Warehouse, by the bay. Take what we need and burn it to the ground.”
“What about the cops, I got a feeling they’re onto us.” Asked Retina. Cain pulled out his pistols in response. “Get yours, we’ll need them"