Sketch I wrote

[Ultimafanatic]

I wrote this sketch out of bordom, and I'm in a pretty sh*tty mood and I don't wanna go to bed just yet

Announcer- Before this sketch is shown, a warning to the more cultured viewer, who is obviously emotionally vulnerable to things such as small puppy’s being kicked from high bridges, men being stabbed brutally while they make passionate love to their mother, and young beautiful women being hit by falling radio masts…OH ITS ALL SO HORRIBLE! BY GOD WHY… WHHHHHHHHY?

(Poked by wooden pole with nail in one end, abruptly stops crying)

Oh yes, this sketch depicts scenes of a man, with obvious problems, problems that are so violent; they can and will make young men cry. There are men like this in the world, but lets laugh at their expense. (Sn*ggers)

Message- The rage problem sketch

(A man is sitting in a doctors office with a pair of curtains stapled to his head, blood is drooling down the side of his face and the man is clearly in some distress)

Man- Doctor…. I feel like a pair of curtains. It hurts so bad!

Doctor- Better pull yourself together then.

Man- Can you prescribe me anything?

Doctor- No…next please.

(Man leaves room, and another man walks in)

Doctor- Name please?

Man2- Geoffrey Kingston

Doctor- Well Mr Kingston, what seems to be the trouble?

Kingston- I have severe rage problems

Doctor- (Chuckles) Go do some boxing then. You don’t need me, what possessed you to come here?

(Kingston stands up and throws his seat out the window)

Kingston- NOW YOU LISTEN HERE. I CAME HERE BECAUSE I HAVE SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS, AND I GET MORE ABUSE! I JUST STABBED AN OLD LADY BECAUSE SHE ASKED ME TO CROSS THE ROAD WITH HER! I KILLED BOTH MY PARENTS BY BEATING THEM BOTH TO DEATH WITH A TENDERISING MALLET! I ASSASANATED AN UNPOPULAR STAND UP COMEDIAN!

Doctor- Who?

Kingston- Jim Davidson

Doctor- Oh, do carry on.
Kingston- Right oh, AND I COME HERE AND YOU REFUSE TO TREAT ME. YOU GREASY HAIRED PALE OFFICE WORKING TWAT, I HAPPEN TO BE A LEADING MEMBER OF THE NEO NAZIS.

SO (Snaps hat rack) F*CK YOU.

Doctor- Are you done now?

Kingston- Yes

Doctor- Then p*ss off.

Kingston- Righty oh, evening sir.

Doctor- Evening

(Kingston leaves)

Doctor- F*cking Nutter.

[Cerpin Taxt]

Lmao that was great, next time I go down yours we should try doing that one on the sound recorder.

[V e l o c i t y]

LMAO Jim Davidson... Quality stuff there.

[Ultimafanatic]

I didn't know what I was doing while writing it, but cheers for some possitive feedback.

[Ultimafanatic]

Second sketch

Reporter- Good afternoon and welcome to our round up of today’s events at the Special Olympics here in York, as you’ve just seen in today’s bear fight, Britain came out with no medals. This may have been due to the competitor’s paralysis, but she tried her best and (chuckles and puts thumb up) good luck in intensive care Miss Higgins.
Now we take you to the main event of today, an event so prestigious and graceful, its participants have trained for their entire lifetimes to participate. Ladies and Gentlemen…we take you now live to the “Cripple Bashing”. Ivan reports.

Ivan- Good afternoon everyone, yes today we’re going to bear witness to a staggering and epic fight, two men at the peak of fitness, Frank Robinson in a wheelchair and a body cast, Terry Williams on crutches with both his legs broken in ten places. Two specimens of perfect fitness, both ready to fight to the death. Hang on they’re beginning.

(Launches into over enthusiastic commentating)

Ivan- OH AND they’re really going at it from the start, even from his wheelchair Robinson’s throwing punches, knocking Williams to the floor. Oh…now what’s this? Ooooooh he’s stamping on Williams’s head, there’s blood all over the ring… Robinson is now rolling over Williams’s head, using the spikes on his wheels to cut his head open. Williams is getting up ladies and gentlemen, he’s reaching for his crutch, my god he’s repeatedly hitting a man confined to a wheelchair with his crutch. GO ONNNN F*CKING KILL THE TW*T! Now he’s going double handed ladies and gentlemen coming in from left and right. Two blows to the head and Robinson is losing consciousness. What’s this? Ladies and gentlemen one of Mr Williams’s crutches is a high velocity rifle and… BOOM HEADSHOT. Well done to Mr Williams, well done indeed. The medical staff are wheeling Mr Robinson off now…yes… yes he is officially dead. Mr Williams is the winner. Back to you Roger.

Roger- Thank you Ivan, and now a round up of more of the events today. A Thomas Haning lost the swimming today, bad luck; he may need to get rid of that heavy wheelchair and then he’ll be less likely to sink. Josie Parsons did surprisingly well in the high jump, even without any arms or legs. So that’s the end of another day at the special Olympics. Join us tomorrow for “Paralysis Cycling”, should be rip roaring. Thank you and good night.

[V e l o c i t y]

Great work man, been talking to you on MSN about it amazing stuff.

Josie Parsons did surprisingly well in the high jump, even without any arms or legs.

;D

[Ultimafanatic]

3rd Sketch

(A man in a balaclava smashes a window and climbs into somebody’s living room, he proceeds to pick up the television set and tries to make his way out when an elderly woman enters and turns on the lights)

Woman- Excuse me. What are you doing?

Burglar- I’m stealing your T.V darling.

Woman- Ah I see… Do you do this a lot?

Burglar- Not really, something to do.

Woman- Well I think that’s a bit wrong, don’t you.

Burglar- Yeah well, what are you gonna do?

Woman- I could phone the police.

Burglar- If you do that, I’ll clout you with my baseball bat.

Woman (Looking around confused) – Um…dear?

Burglar- mm?

Woman- You don’t have a baseball bat.

Burglar- Ah…sh*t

Woman- Well I suppose I’ll just phone the police then.

Burglar- I suppose you should.

(Woman walks out of the room, the Burglar scrapes a number of ornaments off the fire into a bag. Woman, walks back in and looks around confused)

Woman- You’ve taken my ornaments!

Burglar- No I haven’t.

Woman- You have… they’re in that bag.

Burglar- So they are.

Woman- Why’d you do that.

Burglar- Well I suppose because I’m a burglar, a representation of everything wrong in society, a plague that gives humanity something to want to wipe out. I am a bird, free from the law and justice, praying on victims as if they were field mice (Continues until interrupted)

Woman- Do shut up.

Burglar- Right oh.

(Policeman walked through broken window)

Police- Right, where is he then?

Woman- There, right in front of you.

Police- Ah I see, excellent camouflage, well… what’s he done then?

Woman- He’s tried to steal my Television, and my ornaments.

Police- But has he threatened you?

Woman- He said he’d hit me.

Police- But he hasn’t.

Woman- No

Police- Do you have proof that he threatened you?

Woman- No

Police- Then we can’t do anything, whilst he’s in your house, he’s your responsibility, do anything you want.

Woman- Right, (Shoots burglar in the head)

Police- Now your under arrest for murder.

Woman- What?

Police- You just killed him, you f**king lunatic.

Woman- But you told me….

Police- No I didn’t

Woman- Yes you did

Police (Turns to window)- Told you, she’s f**king batty! Come on love. You senile old cow.

[Cerpin Taxt]

Lmao, they're both great.

[That Chick]

Hmm, all pretty good, but what's wrong with Jim Davidson?

[Ultimafanatic]

....Everything

[That Chick]

Like what?

[Ultimafanatic]

I dunno (own3d), but he was voted the UK's worst comedian

[Ultimafanatic]

A new sketch. If we record this, I would want Deadshot playing the dad, as his yorkshire accent is awesome.


Message- And now a scene form a suicidal Goths home.

(Goth is sitting on bed carving his wrists out, his mother walks in)

Mum- Tony, don’t you think you should go out? You haven’t seen sunlight in three months.

Goth- *Makes noise like someone out of George Romero’s Dawn of the dead*

Mum- What was that dear?

Goth- *Makes same noise*

Mum- Can you speak up? I can’t hear you.

Goth- Deeeeeeaaaaaath

Mum- What about death dear?

Goth- We’re all gonna die.

(Father walks into room, he has a comical Yorkshire accent)

Dad- Leave him be dear, he’s just a bloody poof. Aren’t you?

Goth- *Makes dawn of the dead noise*

Dad- Don’t take that tone with me son. Or I’ll comma down on you like a tonne of bricks, Yah poncy twat.

Goth- Don’t call me that.

Dad- Ah’ll call ya whatever ah fooking want.

Mum- Don’t be too harsh on him dear, come on, lets leave him alone.

Dad- No, I can’t. Ah want that knife to cut mah fooking dinner with.

Mum- But its been in his arm…

Dad- Ah don’t care, when ah was young, we ad to eat in a septic tank, while my mum poked us in the eye with a pair of scissors. This little twat’s got it easy. Now give me the fooking knife son.

Goth- No, I need it to remove my pain.

Dad- Ah’ll remove your fooking pain with mah belt , now give me the fooking knife!

Goth- Deeaaaaath.

Dad- (Loses self control and runs at Goth) GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Announcer- This sketch has been cut due to the violent content in the following scenes. And now a more friendly sketch.

Message- The farmyard massacare…

[Cerpin Taxt]

Hahahahaha LMAO that's funny as fuck.

I definately want to record that one..the Dad is funny as hell

[Ultimafanatic]

New sketch I just wrote

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please

Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare

Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?

Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare

Customer: Hamburger Relish?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Sausage and Mash?

Shopkeeper: Cancer scare

Customer: Australian kangaroo cake?

Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare.

Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare

Shopkeeper: I think so.... yes, yes they are

Customer: (sighs) Just give me a packet of cigarettes, a bong, half a tonne of cocaine and six syringes please.

Shopkeeper: Certainly sir